Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I should be sleeping right now.

I know I should.

But you know that feeling, when you should be sleeping, and you really want to sleep....but you just can't?

My mind is racing.

I'm listening to the Suburbs album by the Arcade Fire. It makes me so emotional.

Right now "Half Light 1" is playing.

Corinne is sleeping, and Steve is playing a video game.

The house is clean. I am covered in a pretty thick blanket, it is over my head. It is six degrees outside. 

The kitchen light is on; it is warm and dark in the house where I sit.

I just ate some pudding - you know that dessert with the vanilla and the chocolate and the graham crackers inside that get soggy and delicious.

Ever since Corinne was born, I feel time pushing me forward even faster than it did before. 

It feels like a hand pushing me forward.

Sometimes I feel like the Squire from the Sword in the Stone. I feel like I am making guesses as to what I should do next, sometimes. And it almost feels like Merlin is there telling me what I should do next. And Merlin is like my conscience. 

I had too much caffeine today. 

This is what my thoughts are like when I have too much caffeine.

(2 and a half cups). 

Choppy -

Fast ;


It's already 11 o'clock pm.
This is what I mean. It's already 11 pm and I'm 27 and Steve's 28 and our two month old baby is asleep in the basinett.

And now I'm listening to "Suburban War" by the Arcade Fire.

I don't want this moment to end, so I start writing.
And I try to explain the emotions I'm feeling, but sometimes I really think there are no words to express that - and I do not think it is cliche to say because how can something be cliche if it is how you really feel?

Although, even though words can't always express exactly what you are thinking down to the tears behind your eyes...sometimes they at least can come pretty close.

I feel like I want to hit the brakes and just exist right in this moment for a little while more.
11:03. Time goes so fast.

When I was in 7th grade I went to the zoo and I looked out the window in the car and it was raining and I thought to myself, "I wonder how long it will be until I am old and gray and thinking about this moment."

It is already 15 years later, and all I did was blink.

And so many changes happen in a blink.

So many people coming and going. So many rooms you are in, so many skies you sit under, so many sounds and lights and smiles and tears and held breaths and closed eyes and exhales.

Sometimes Corinne laughs one second and then cries the next. 

I call it happysad. Corinne is feeling happysad.

I feel like that all the time.

I don't want moments to end. I don't like saying goodbye to people. I don't like not knowing what to say. I don't like feeling like I am digging my heels into the road and dust is billowing up into the skies like a coyote and road runner cartoon.

But I don't like all of that because I am happy to be here, to know what I know and who I know and it's all too complicated, but really, really simple.

I write this for so many reasons. I really do write this to be closer to you guys, and maybe to understand myself more, and maybe to just help me exhale sometimes.

I do find it more interesting and intriguing than I can ever explain that tomorrow exists.

Or this moment. 
I probably say that a lot, but it is like I live in a book.

A world where a person might know all the answers about the universe and galaxies and infinities infinities and what all that exists in....who is trapped in his own body, like Stephen Hawking...he feels like a character in a book to me.
Giraffes and Elephants feel like exotic made up creatures from a book.
Sitting in my living room talking to hundreds of people at one time is like something from a book.
I guess I am easily amused.

Or maybe I just feel like a lot of people do...
I'm going to try not to be so sad about the passing of time.

There is so much ahead of me, I have no time for that, anyway.

I guess.

Time travel really is difficult. Especially forward.

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