Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Day 19

I see faces in everything. 

Am I the only person who sees the face here on this iron???

This is only one example of about a billion I see all the time.

This one is so pronounced he looks like he has a Wally.

He looks like a Wally to me.

I guess that's all I really wanted to say for tonight. 

Does anyone else see faces in inanimate objects??

Or is it just me?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 18

Three scenes that would make the '80s montage in the movie of my life right now----

1. Corinne sitting on my lap while I'm typing in my blog, in my work clothes, shoes still on, with Steve folding the laundry that I'm going to put away after the blog is written and the dog passed out on the couch behind him....with Anthony Bourdain in Prague on the t.v.....which is all happening right now.

2. All three of us getting ready for work in the morning. Simon and Garfunkel is playing. Or Phantom Planet. Or NPR. I've got a toothbrush in my mouth and a shirt for Steve in my hands, he's changing her and she's kicking her feet. And then someone runs to feed the dog and cat, and let the dog out, and another of us runs to grab everything we need for the day, and the other one realizes that a shirt needs to be ironed, and then another one falls asleep, and then we somberly listen to the world news on NPR as we drive to Grandma's house, and then to work. And then I look at the baby and she's smiling, and then I look out the window at the snow on the branches and look back at her and she's asleep, and I blink and she's already 4 months old. 

3. Coming home from work and running around the house getting food ready, eating, changing the baby, reading to the baby, trying tummy time with the baby, putting away dishes and laundry, writing something on the computer for a moment or two, so that maybe I'll be a famous writer someday, and then playing some more....and then all of the sudden it's bed time. 

And then all of the sudden it's 4 am and somebody...I won't mention any names...wakes up.

And then all of a sudden we're all up.

And then we fall back asleep an hour later.

And then all of a sudden it's a new day.

I guess we'd need an '80s song for this montage. Or early '90s or something. Maybe this?


Monday, February 27, 2012

Day 17

He was in the nursery rhyme book I just read my daughter.

And his name is Squirrel Nutkin.

Oh. My. Goodness. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Day 16

5 things I don't think I'll ever do 
(An anti-bucket list)
(A bucket kicking list before I kick the bucket)
(An "I don't think so, Tim" list)

1. Jump out of an airplane (I really hope I'm not jinxing myself here with this list....)

2. Climb to the Top of Everest (Who even wants to do that, might I ask??? Why and how does that make it on the "bucket list" for people??)

3. Become a vegan. I mean, ideally, YES, I would love that. But I really don't think my love for cheese can ever go away. At most if I really tried I could be an "almost-vegan". Cheese, how I love you so. Even though you do me so wrong.

4. High-five Sawyer from "Lost". Or that guy who plays him. I would actually love to do that, and I'm putting it on this list just in case I've jinxed myself and have become a vegan who jumps out of airplanes and climbs Everest, because I'll need something fun to look forward to if that ever happens.

5. Make a list of four things of anything. I mean, a list of 3 things seems substantial and a list of 5 things seems just fine, adequate, and satisfying, but a list of 4 things is like getting an 89 on a test. You were so close to an A. How annoying. A list of 4 things is just dumb. But that's just my opinion. And who knows...if I've jinxed myself with this list, I'll probably be giving out 4 reasons why I think Mount Everest would be a great vacation spot someday. Ugh I really hope not. 

(OK just one more thing on Mount Everest: why does climbing that thing have to be some metaphor for accomplishment? Can't just getting through a day in our everyday lives be enough? I mean for most people getting through a single day requires more skill than a gladiator would need on the early '90s show "Gladiators", but slightly less skill than a gladiator in an auditorium in Greece would need. Just saying...)

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Day 15
An anecdote….a very, very recent anecdote.


I have a beef with Reeds Jewelers.

Actually, with their Pandora Charm Bracelet line, specifically.

Here’s what happened.

(If I were you I would be curious at this point, because I don’t usually have beefs with others. I try not to, at all costs. I’m very non-confrontational and often make excuses for others when I know I shouldn’t. But with them I have a beef. A really ugly one).

I really wanted a charm bracelet for my birthday.

I went to Reeds to see what Pandora had to offer.

I asked, “If I were to get this bracelet, would charms from other companies fit on this starter bracelet? Like, say, if I were on vacation somewhere and really liked a charm….”

The woman told me that they would fit, but as soon as I put them on my warranty would be nullified, so she wouldn’t recommend it.

This is right after she told me that these charm bracelets are perfect for holding my memories.

Wouldn’t my vacation be a memory?

But that didn’t even REALLY bother me. I mean, I would have still gone forward, I was already coming up with excuses in my mind for this at that point, like, “Oh, well, I’m sure I’ll find pretty Pandora beads” and “Oh, well, I’ll save money then on that vacation by not buying a charm.”
 (Which does not even make sense, because I would want a charm to commemorate that moment in my vacation!)
 Ahh I would make an excuse for a rock if I ran it over with my bicycle and got a concussion. But that excuse would just not make any sense at all because I would be concussed and even more non-sensical than I already tend to be. 
I digress.

The thing that REALLY irked me.

I was so mad my cheeks got red.

My cheeks are getting red now. Because I’m mad just thinking about it. See what memories Pandora is giving me? They’ve really opened up Pandora’s box! Ahahahahaha
OK. So. I asked, “I am curious. Do any of your beads represent any charities, so the profits would go to charity?”

AND SHE SAID, “Well, we do have one for the Susan G. Komen foundation, for Breast Cancer Research. But, I wouldn’t recommend it. We at Pandora recommend only beads that are important for your memories. Some of the profit would go to the foundation in the month of October.”

My blood boiled over so much, I wanted to shake her!

Never shake a saleswoman.


Here is why my blood boiled:
                                       - What if I knew of someone who had breast cancer?

    -What if I had breast cancer?

    - This is their ONLY charm for charity?

-They ONLY give some money to the foundation IN THE MONTH OF OCTOBER? Get it together Reeds.  Seriously.

-   Oaijroeijafljaljfdkajflajsfldjalfj.

-     Lady, stop being such a drone. And the company you work for is the worst. And I try not to think badly of people! But I can’t help but think badly of corporations.

-                 -They’ve lost my business, even though those beads are pretty, I will      admit,they belong to a company that doesn’t want to spend it’s energy toward charity whatsoever…that is ridiculous to me. But that’s just me. And maybe you too. Well I think maybe you, too. That’s why I wanted to commiserate with you. On my blog. 

So what I did was:

“Thanks for the information. I have to go now.”

And I went to Kay’s Jewelers.
And I got a very affordable starter charm bracelet.
And the first bead I bought was a charm that benefits St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.
Because I will do business with a company that takes the time to help out…..even if it’s just a little bit.
And that’s a memory I’m happy to keep.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Day 14:

Stupid Newton's Law.

Or Newman's Law.

Or Murphy's Law - that's the one.

Today is my Birthday!

I lost my phone.

Can't find it anywhere.

So the one day I might get some messages

I can't get them.

Murphy is my nemesis.

This is just like Murphy to have this law

and get me every time with it.

Like on our honeymoon

when we booked a room

but it didn't stick

in the system

and we ended up 

in an 

econo lodge.



at least

(at the very least)

I ate birthday cake three times today

and they decorated my desk

at the office

and I got a card from Steve

that said

he owes me

charm bracelet

and I

got to kiss my baby

and hold her

and play

and so


can just

eat my stinkin' shorts.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Day 13

3 things that happened when I went to Wegmans tonight.

1. I saw Captain Jean Luc Picard. I swear I did.
2. I saw what Santa looks like with a brown beard.
3. I found Cadbury Mini Eggs and then I bought them. And I'm going to cook 'em in the microwave for exactly one minute and then I'll have Toasty Roasties. Delicious.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Day 12: 

5 Reasons why I think our laundry is attempting to eat us
(in no particular order)

1. When something or someone is letting his or her intentions known to eat someone else, I think one of the first thing he or she would do would be to bulk up and show the other person who's boss. Right now the pile is probably about as large as Terry the Hulk Hogan or George Foreman before he cut the fat with his grill - and THAT is on a good day.

2. Sometimes when the laundry gets separated into piles, it just looks like the pieces of laundry are trying to divide and conquer and take control of our entire house in attempts to eat us. I try to not feel this way, but then I look around me and there is no room to walk, and then I get my familiar feeling that the laundry is comin' to get us.

3. The clothes actually fight against the washer and dryer trying to get at us. The machines have started convulsing....loudly....when we use them. The laundry has the machines on their side. I repeat, they have the machines on their side. 

4. It will be time to put clothes on and my hands reach for a drawer, open it and I find it is empty. It is empty because there is a laundry basket filled to the brim right next to it with clothes I need to put away. This is psychological warfare against us, score one for the laundry.

5. Once in a while I'll think to myself, "Now, what do I have to do today/tonight/right now/in the near future/at a point when I can physically move again after all of the movement I've been moving with?" And the only answer the clouds up my mind is to eat ice cream.

So I guess that last one shows my willpower to withstand the evil plight of laundry and show my dominion over this horrid laundry war that is being waged with glory and might. 

Because sometimes, even though our laundry is trying to eat us, I just lean up against one of the piles reaching its empty flannel shirted arms near me and I eat another bite of ice cream for a little while.

And then I go back to my battle.

 I still think our laundry is trying to eat us. 

But you can't win 'em all, all the time. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Day 11

11 Guilty Pleasures I Guiltily Guiltily Have

1. If I am staring at you, I am comparing your face to an animal. Frog? Jaguar? Seal? That is what I am trying to decide. This is a guilty pleasure because it makes me feel guilty and I love it. That is why it is the first thing I thought of, and then wrote down.

2. Taking a bowl, filling it up with ice-cream, and then eating the ice cream. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I'm trying to cut the eating of dairy products down but by jingo ice cream is just not making the cut.

3. If I have ANY spare money, I want to spend it. Mall? Ok. Go out to eat? Yes. Pancakes? Yes. Peanut Butter Pancakes? Why are we still talking and not eating? Buy anything at all in the entire universe? After the pancakes. You get the picture. 

4. Now that I'm a mom, I see how amazing shower time is. I mean - I liked it before....but I LOVE it now. Shower time is my time to shine! Is that too much information?

5. I like it when the hockey people fight. 

6. Saying things like "By Jingo".

7. Wearing Jammies. 

8. Calling my jammies, "Jammies."

9. When my hair has a braid in it, I feel that I am so awesome that I can't help but feel guilty as a result. On my wedding day I had so many braids in my hair, it really exemplified the awesomeness I was feeling.

10. Sitting down staring at someone while figuring out what their animal twin is, as I am eating a bowl of ice cream on top of pancakes, online shopping after a nice hot shower, the t.v. has just turned to hockey and the hockey people start to fight. "By Jingo!," I say as I scratch my knee through my jammies. "These jammies are so great," I also say. My hair is in  a braid. At that time I have so much guilt from all of those guilty pleasures combined--but then at that point I realize I've been daydreaming in the shower again. Because the shower is awesome. 

That's why it is my guilty pleasure. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Day Ten:

Ohhh, I'm ten percent of the way there....ohhhh, livin' on a ....



Today's topic is.....


I was thinking about it this morning. Every time you bring up Superheroes, people have something to say.

Talk about cars, maybe people will talk. 

Talk about the weather, half of the people you're talking with might be zoning out and just making up what they are saying to you based on your tone of voice (that's what I do a lot when people talk about the weather. Unless we're talking about snowstorms. Now, that's the stuff!)

Talk about superheroes, and BAM! It's as if you're talking about t.v. shows you watched when you were a kid. That's another hot topic of awesome that everybody has an opinion on. Have you noticed that? You should try it at the next party/get-together/time you are hanging out with more than one person at once. You might be surprised, or mildly amused, that I was right.

Here are five thoughts I have on Superheroes.

1. Wonder woman needs to wear more clothes. She should be called "Almost a Nudist" woman. It would be more appropriate.

2. Superman has the quality everyone wants: To fly. But, I mean, if you had the ability to fly, would you really want to be involved in all that conflict that inherently lies in your duties of being a superhero? I would just want to fly around and look at stuff and be happy because I can fly. I'd just give money to charity and stuff like that instead of being involved with conflict. I avoid conflict at all costs. There are other ways to contribute to the world at large.

3. The Hulk is so green. So, so green. I love that. I wonder if he'd be able to give blood - and if so, what blood type he would be. Hmmmm

4. I really like the X-Men movies. They are fantastic. Especially that last one. I always think I don't want to watch the X-Men movies, then I pop them in, and Bam! I love them. Every time.

5. I don't think a show like Captain Planet would be aired today. I loved Captain Planet, but the main agenda of those superheroes was to demolish the evil deeds of corporations. That's the kind of talk that gets you in trouble, these days. It's a very 1984 world today, you know. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, just know this: Captain Planet was so early '90s, but I love it so.

And those are 5 of my opinions on superheroes. Because, everyone has an opinion about superheroes. Whether you know it or not.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Day Nine:

In the defense of the Doughnut.

I will admit I've been trying to eat in a leafier manner. I will also admit something else, straight up: I. Love. The Doughnut.

Here are ten reasons why I will defend the doughnut, even if I really do become a health nut. 

1. Sometimes I just want to bite into something fluffy, warm, and sweet. Even if I just have one bite I feel like the edge has been taken off even a slightly stressful day. It's like I've been transported to the mountains in those Ricola commercials  that come on when you watch the Price is Right - only there is no one playing one of those big horn things - it's just you, those pretty mountains, and a doughnut. And maybe you're wearing lederhozen, I don't know, it's your dream, not mine. In mine I am wearing one of those hats, though, that the Ricola horn-blowing guy has. Those hats are cool.

2. They have cute names, like "Headlights", "Taillights," "Boston Cream", "Red Velvet", "One of those ring ones with the chocolate on top" --ok so that last one I may have made up, but you know the one I'm talking about. It's my favorite and I don't even know the name of it. So I always have to explain it like that. It is so yum in the tum.

3. They have the "cupcake appeal" - when you can just tell yourself you are only having one, or half of one, because, of course, they come in single servings, unlike, say, an entire cake or an entire pie or what have you. This is important because those things you could eat more of if you had in your fridge and didn't have the will power to stop yourself from digging into that thing at 1 am or whatever - the "cupcake appeal" eases one's mind of such dangerous ideas for butts, booties, behinds, or lower backs everywhere.

4. They come in little boxes with dancing doughnuts with stick legs and arms and happy faces on them. Who doesn't like that? Who could resist such genius marketing and friendly doughnut drawing faces? I mean, even if I didn't like to eat them, I would still love them. Those drawings are just the cutest.

5. If you're in highschool and don't know what to do and aren't playing a sport or going to the mall or whatever you're going to do in high school, you can go and grab some coffee with a friend and a doughnut. Doughnuts can prevent crazy parties on Friday nights with teens! Think about it. What nice little sugar treats those things are.

6. If you dip a doughnut in your coffee, and then eat a bite, you might get the shivers of satisfaction. Even if you don't get those, you're enjoying a very nice moment in time. I don't think anyone who likes doughnuts and coffee can really dispute that.

7. If I were a movie star who needed to gain weight, I would start with a doughnut. What a fun little tool for such a specific quandry!

8. If I were a mom in her mid-twenties who needed to gain weight, I'd eat a doughnut. Wait, no...yes. Yes definitely.

9. Sometimes doughnuts can be given as gifts, and then they make the person who got that doughnut gift happy.

10. Sometimes, when you drive through a Dunkin' Donuts, (fleeting thought: Did I continually spell donut incorrectly this entire blog? or is Dunkin' wrong? Can Dunkin' be wrong? If Dunkin' is wrong, who is right?) anyway, sometimes, when you drive through a Dunkin' Donuts, you ask for a donut and they say they are all out of donuts. Then, you say something like, "But - isn't this a donut place?" And the teenager working his 3-6 pm shift responds, "Yes. But we're out." And then you have to go somewhere else because you can't have a donut and you realize you still like donuts because once again, donuts, even donuts that don't exist, are keepin' the kids off the streets. And you bite into a celery stick, because what's the point of eating something tasty if it's not a donut?

Oh, donuts. 

Don't worry, donuts. I've got your back. And you, certainly, contribute to mine. 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Day Eight:

Why am I writing this blog again?

I am writing this blog, dear readers, for a few very important reasons.

1. I want you to hear what I have to say. As a writer, as a person, as someone you might kind of know but not really know, or not know at all and just saw me through a failed google search and decided to read a few more words than you originally had anticipated, as a being who is able to type letters onto a screen into readable sentences. And I feel like I have a lot to say. And I feel like maybe I could make the world a brighter place. Or maybe I could just say something, for fun, and you can be in on the joke, or along for the ride. 

That's one reason, anyway.

2. I get to experiment with writing, all the time, every day. And I get to show it to YOU.

3. I get to say silly things and get away with it (ok, ok, I do that all the time anyway....)

4. I aspire to be a bookmark in your irresistible places you visit on these internets - (You know you have those bookmarks! FB! Gmail!! My blog! Ahh! A girl can dream). 

5. The BIG reason, you ask? (There is always a BIG reason, for anything. Always.) The BIG reason is that I am writing a novel, REALLY writing a novel, and want to get the attention of the world at large, gain some momentum, you see, as I start getting that novel out to the world.

 Who knows? Maybe you'll recognize my name, or think to yourself that you don't mind reading some of the words that I put out into the world, and you give my book a chance.

I want readers. Readers like you. Readers who are you.

I hope that when I have my novel on the shelf, you really give my book a chance. Just like you're giving my blog a chance. Just like you're giving me a chance. 

And, something you may or may not know about me is that I really and firmly believe if there is a will there is a way. And also that you never know something until you try. And I think it's worth it to try and make it big as a writer. 

REALLY big. 

And do really good things in the world. So, I start with this blog. And I keep going with this blog. And with my novel. And with anything I write. I make writing a part of my life, because it is important to me. 

I love you, fans. Every single one of you. Even if I've never met you. I hope you're enjoying my blog, and this 100 day challenge, as much as I am.........(which is a lot).....


Friday, February 17, 2012

Day Seven: 

A scar is a memory, too: A silhouette of a day in August 2005 in 19 sentences or less (or more if you count a parenthetic phrase or two).

I have a scar on my knee.

This is because a few years ago I was in Toronto.

I was on the wrong floor of a very tall mall.

I was in transit on the escalator.

I turned around to go back up.

Just thought I could hop the distance.

I tripped and fell.

I fell right onto the teeth of the escalator.

The TEETH of the escalator.


I then cried out (something like), "AHHHHHHHH! AGG! AGG! OW! OW! AHG! ACK!"

My dad picked me up (I was 21 then; he is a firefighter and picks people up sometimes)

(Part of the job, you know)

(Am I cheating on my sentence count with these parenthesis?)


He put me on a couch.

(That floor happened to be a furniture store)

(I was bleeding all over the place)

Some kind of employee came with a first aid kit

(English was his second language)

He said he cannot tell if I need stitches

(Too many gallons of blood at that point; it was like the Niagara Falls of Doom)

(Did I mention I was on a brand new couch in a furniture store? I think it may have been a white or cream couch....yes, yes; I think it was cream)

I said, "Thank you, Eduardo, for your assessment."

(Everyone looked at me funny:  It seems his name was NOT Eduardo, and I had thought he said it was)

Soon we got up and I limped back to the hotel.

I did not get stitches

(But I do have a scar; a scar on my knee)

Every scar is a memory, you see.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day Six:

Six things I think about sometimes.

1. When we're all in nursing homes, there will be at least one Great Grandma Brittany - and there will be a lot of people in the home who like listening to hip-hop and Justin Bieber. No Great Grandma Louises listening to jazz. Well, maybe one or two. But...interesting to think about. Also they probably won't be playing chess. They'll probably be little old men playing video games and little old women talking about each other on their cell phones. Just a thought.

2. Sometimes, on a snowy Saturday afternoon, I'll have my mittens on because it is so so cold, and I'm alone in the car because I'm about to run an errand. Every single time this happens, for the past month, I have to listen to the Arcade Fire album "The Suburbs", and I turn it way up, and it feels as satisfying as slipping into a hot bath, or laying in the sun on a really bright summer's day. And that album can be pretty depressing and sad. But it just feels good to listen to it. I just really like it. I think about everything when I listen to that album. It is my current favorite, and I want everyone to know about it.

3. I always think I am the first to come up with ideas, and then quickly become crushed when I realize they are not only already made up, but used widely by everyone all over the world all the time. This happened when I came up with "Salsa Eggs" --(Huevos Rancheros, I see, when I google this, is not only widely known, but a Mexican Tradition). Maybe I'll come up with something that nobody has thought of; but this leads me to my next thought....

4. Has everyone thought of everything you've ever thought? I mean it more this way: is everything you can possibly think about, been thought of at some point by someone else, just because there are soooo many of us, and there have been so many of us, and there will be so many of us? Or, is that too limited? Will all the thoughts we could ever think never be completely all thought of because ideas and original thinking just are something that never can stop? Does that even make sense?? Or have you thought of this before, too?

5. Sometimes I think about string theory constantly. Like, what if there are a million versions of my next door neighbor, or what if in one existance Steve and Corinne and I live on a farm or something? I watch a lot of Nova. My mind wanders. It is an interesting combination.

6. I still feel like I am thirteen, a lot. I am motivated by things like chocolate cake and music and talking with my friends. I wonder if that will ever go away. I hope it doesn't.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Day Five:

If I had bubblegum that came with cards all about my friends and family, and why I love them, and why they should be famous, they might look something like these....
now, now, don't be mad if you're not in this little group - I'm sure you'll be mentioned at some point....if you're lucky.......or, by request, of course.

Will dance around
all over the place
and isn't afraid
of a Wild Wednesday
(or worse)
Midnight Lovin'- -
Likes the Weather Channel
and sideways baseball caps
Corporate Powerhouse
Turkey Giveaway Queen
Cup-cake baking machine.

Unafraid of a 5 mile run
Stares making dinner in the face
and ends up with a five course meal of
Raises a puppy with fluffy ears
in a world of snow and rain
Getting married this year
at the Berry Patch
to the man who shares her love of brand new chocolate chip cookies
and purest hatred of olives -green or black.

Will raise four kids
With the wave of a hand
and the prowess of a tiger
Sees an unclean kitchen and shakes her head
it's clean in three seconds or less
Trampolines, bunk-beds, pigtails and practice
This is the stuff
of her days and nights
This is the stuff
(Fills the world with lights)

Two baby daughters
Sitting in a row
Mama and Daddy
watch them grow
She'll make them a fort
She'll bake them a snack
She'll work at the school
She'll knit them hats
She'll do it for them
She'll do what she can
and when the day's done
She'll do it again

Oh Creator of All Cakes Decorated
For the lands far and near
Oh Decorator of the cutest house
On the street she holds dear
She'll be there for her family
She'll be there for her friends
She'll teach the schoolkids music
And then she'll go to bed

Woman of many trades
Some that come to mind
Making her house into a home
and teaching the children rhymes
Planning for a wedding
When the summer's waking up
When the Day is long and warm
On the seventh of July

......And maybe someday, you'll find your name here in my little corner of these internets. You never know. Maybe you should stay tuned.....

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Day Four:

A want ad
A Giveaway ad
An ad for an ad

(in that order)

An invisible person who likes to mop kitchen floors
Must be invisible so I don't feel like we have to talk
Must not like talking as much as likes mopping kitchen floors
Must not mind the following:
dog hair
cat hair
mom hair
dad hair
baby hair 
cousin john hair
Must also not mind a floor that will collect dust
three seconds after you've scrubbed
Any takers?

A Giveaway Ad--
Early mornings
Up before the sun
When the world is still dark
And snow piles higher than your roof
And you just want to roll over
And fall back asleep
Early mornings
Free! Free to anyone!
(I’ll take sleep in exchange, please.)

An ad for an ad:
A want ad
A want ad
Daily massages
(or cookies)
A want ad for me
A want ad for peace

Monday, February 13, 2012

Day Three: A letter of sorts.

An Ode to Chocolate Cake on the Eve of Valentine's Day.

Dear Chocolate Cake,

You're about to be baked. Steve is adding layer
upon layer
upon layer
upon layer
of chocolate and fudge and
(You are more layered than I am)
I just want to eat you now.
Why must you belong to someone else?

(Bake sales, I shake my fists at you  in the air ; 

both fists, for at least fifteen seconds
and my face, it is not without a scowl)

Chocolate cake,
oh chocolate cake
You are just batter right now
oozing into a pan
sticking to the wooden spoon
dripping on the counter
Hey batter
Hey batter

But soon you will become
a cake so warm 
and gooey
even the potholder
will want a chance at you.

Our potholder
so pitiful
with the small yet deathtrappy divet in its threads
has no chance at you

But that is no cause for a sigh of relief

For you belong to the Bake Sale

And you always will

And I sigh, because I know

You're just my taste.
You're just my type.

But I'll be fine
I think

Dear Chocolate Cake....
Have a nice (shelf) life.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Day Two: 

A ballad of my faults, in no particular order : 

5-I'm way too impatient, all the time. Anything that takes more than three seconds to do is a challenge for me.  

4-I have no qualms with taking the last cookie, cheese with a cracker on a tray, sandwich wrap, or brownie bite. If I like something, I just don't think about it. If it's unclaimed, I snap it up. Almost exactly like a hunting alligator in a swamp. Only my teeth aren't that sharp.

3-I am HORRIBLE at pairing up socks. I don't ever know where that stupid other sock goes, and I often think I'm pairing a sock in the right way and then later I notice something like one of the socks has a gray spot on the heel and the other does not, and it gets really annoying. For a long time I totally gave up and would only wear Steve's socks, which was NOT a solution because they were way too big and just did not look right. Socks are my enemy.

2-I eat way too much cookie dough. I really do. If there were a hidden camera on me while I was baking, it would be unanimously agreed upon by every single person watching that I probably shouldn't do that.

1-I hate talking on the phone to my friends and family. I know it is horrible. I LOVE my friends and family but it makes me so nervous I have to walk around my entire house while I talk. Texting is fine, and talking to strangers is great. But if you're a friend or a family member, just know I'll totally talk to you on the phone, but I'm hating every second of it and would much rather be communicating via letter on parchment paper or talking over the computer or texting or even etching something into a stone and sending it through UPS than talking to you on the phone. And this is because I am extremely weird and quirky.

0-The idea of giving blood makes me want to puke. Even when my eyes are closed and I'm getting blood drawn, it is everything in my power not to puke all over the person doing it. 




Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry, folks........

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I like to take on challenges. I'm going to voluntarily take on a challenge or two this year. First up: I'm attempting to be a better blogger. I'm writing an entry every day for 100 days. 100 days, I said.

Day 1 of my 100 day challenge.

If I were the Queen of the world, I have a top ten list of things I would do (but I'd probably do some other things, too, because....I'd be Queen of the world).

In no particular order - my world as Queen:

10. I would make giant corporations my little bitch. (This means I would not allow them to crush the souls of the common man any longer!)
9. I would turn fast food places into roller skating rinks.
8. I would hold humungous charity-related events like field days and amazing races - all the time.
7. There would be a 3-4 day workweek. Max.
6. All student loans would be forgiven. Nothing owed. Only awesomeness would prevail.
5. I'd kindly ask everyone to do the following and see how they feel after: Please read Ender's Game, please listen to the Arcade Fire album, "The Suburbs", and please bake some cookies sometime and don't even try to not eat the dough. Just eat it with no guilt. Oh that is making me hungry just writing that. 
4. I would see if we could all hold hands around the whole world at once. Just because I'd be Queen of the world and could decree such a thing.
3. I would ask for bowling matches to take the place of wars, or at least for that to be tried sometime. Seems like a better option. And no one would be allowed to throw bowling balls at other people. But you can drink beer. And you can also sing karaoke. You can even Bowloake. 
2. I'd give incentives for people to eat better and work out - like instead of simply purchasing lotto tickets you can have your name in drawings if you run marathons or something fun like that.
1. I'd make footie pajamas into a fashion statement. Just because jammies are the most awesome.