Day 24


I've always wanted to somehow prove that it pays to be kind to others.


This week I'd like to try an experiment.


You may think it is silly.


And you may even think it's not too scientific, because maybe it doesn't have controls or buttons or beakers or bunson burners or such.


My plan is:


I'm going to bake a batch of cookies tomorrow night.


Then, on Wednesday, I'm going to give away my cookies.


Then, I'm going to keep track of any good karma that might come my way.


So you can see the proof: kindness brings kindness, love brings love, and cookies brings about a million delicious deliciouses. 


I don't know, I just thought it might be sort of fun


to see




what happens




when


you do something nice


just to do something nice.


I'm not expecting people who I give the cookies to do something for me of course.


I try not to expect things from other people. It's way better that way. People have their own business they're busy with. And besides, if someone gives me a cookie, I would hope they just wanted to give me a cookie, no strings attached. So I want to give away cookies in the same way: just eat the cookie, it's gonna be good.


So, I just want to see


if the universe


gives back


a little bit


of what I 


gave out.


And, if nothing happens....well, then, the joke's on me. At least I'd get some cookie dough out of it. 

Day 23

Part 3

"My view of your room," the eyeball continued. You're always looking out at the world every morning, and the world never gets a chance to look back at you."

"Well, that is just ridiculous," the old woman retorted, though the wheels in her mind were certainly starting to churn at this point.

"Are you....are you the 'eye of the world' or something?" She asked, this time, without any anger or extreme curiosity....just in a 'matter-of-fact' sort of tone.

The eye's pupil dilated in wonderment.

He responded, "No, I'm a frog who lives outside your windowpane. My name is Adious Aberdine. I seem to have an eye infection," he responded.

The old woman nearly fainted (and she didn't normally have over the top reactions to much). 

She ran out her front door to verify the facts.

The facts were exactly as Adious Aberdine had stated.

There was a tiny frog sitting in the garden below her window, with a gigantic eye staring into her bedroom. Actually, the eyeball turned to face her.

"See? I wasn't lying. And, I wanted you to know something, now that I have your attention. What you do when nobody's looking....well, sometimes, others notice. Whether you notice them or not. And, I think you should be nicer to girl scouts. And really, that's all I've got to say."

And he cleared his throat, and he let out a "Ribbet!" and with that, he hopped away in the other direction.

And Gertrude Grock stood there, in her garden outside of her windowpane, in the early hours of her beloved Saturday morning, dumbfounded for the first time in years.

She hadn't felt this much sense of wonder and amazement since she was a young girl, and she was staring up at those stars, that night with that boy.

And she went inside and threw out all of her shoulderpads.

And she spent her retirement as girl scout troupe 282 leader, where they sold the most cookies out of any troupe in their village, and they took yearly field trips to a spot under the stars, where they could see all of the constellations at once, and how they all connected.

And that is the story of Gertrude Grock, and how she was saved from being a pot.

Day 22


A short story, Part 2.


"AGGGHUGHHHAGGGUGGH", responded the gigantic eyeball.


"What do you mean, "AGGGHUGHHHAGGGUGGH?", retorted Gertrude Grock.


"I mean, AGGGHUGHHHAGGGUGGH." said the ginormous eyeball, in a matter-of-fact manner. 


"Well, that does not make any sense whatsoever. Speak to me, eyeball. What are your intentions? Why are you here? Why are you bothering me on this Saturday morning? Why are you blocking my view of the world outside? Why are you disrupting my routine? I'm an old woman and I've worked hard my whole life. I deserve a nice, relaxing, Saturday morning routine. And YOU. You are disrupting that. How dare you. I don't care if you're a giant eyeball. I need you to get. out."


Gertrude Grock was so mad at this point, she started shaking her fists in the air, without even noticing it. 


The giant eyeball noticed this, and blinked in response.


"Well, you seem like a mean old woman to me," said the eyeball in disgust. "And YOU.....had it not occured to you that you might be disrupting my view?"


"Your view of What??" she asked, now in a more curious manner than an angry one.


The eyeball blinked again. 


The air was pregnant with pause.


Stay tuned for Part 3 of the short story, coming up tomorrow!

Day 21


I'll write a short story today. This is the first of three parts. 


Part 1


Gertrude Grock was a woman of importance in her day, wearing shoulder-padded outfits and high heels no matter what the occasion, even for a stroll in the park. She liked English muffins but hated apples. She sat through endless board meetings of high importances, but her thoughts would often, quite secretly, wander to nights of star-gazing in her youth, with a boy named Adderly. She kept this memory stored in dusty cabinetted storage spaces in the memory spot of her highly important mind, and only allowed herself to reminisce about them in these highly important board meetings, because that way, she forced herself not to get emotional about it all.


Gertrude Grock could be mean sometimes, and sometimes could be very nice. For example, she would often say no to Girl Scouts trying to sell her cookies, because she didn't want those loud an incessantly pushy girls banging on her door all the time, and wanted them to get the message: no cookies. I make my own. But once in a while, if someone were selling cookies at work, she would sign up for them....because that's just like Gertrude Grock. Mean sometimes, nice sometimes.


On a cold, grey morning, the old, old woman walked (carefully, and barefoot) up to her window. She stretched and yawned, as she did every morning, and opened her eyes to the world outside her windowpane. She could not believe what she saw.


There was an eyeball staring back at her, the size of her window. It blinked.


Gertrude Grock was never one to stand down from a challenge, and certainly not one to stay dumbfounded for too long. 


"What are you and why are you at my windowpane?" she squawked. 




Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of this 3 part short story!

Day 20

3 things I'm thinking about right now. (The first 3 things that will pop in my head after I press "enter")

1. Sometimes the week just feels like one really long day. I'm so tired. 

2. I just want to put 12 blankets on at once and then when I wake up instead of packing us all up and going to work I would like us to go on vacation by just staying home and hanging out and eating pancakes. Pancakes are very important in this proposed scenario. And we can listen to Esparanza Spalding. And wear our jammies. 

3. What if there were no internet? 

That's all. I've emptied out my brain. I'm going to bed. 

Day 19

I see faces in everything. 


Am I the only person who sees the face here on this iron???


This is only one example of about a billion I see all the time.


This one is so pronounced he looks like he has a name....like Wally.


He looks like a Wally to me.


I guess that's all I really wanted to say for tonight. 


Does anyone else see faces in inanimate objects??


Or is it just me?

Day 18


Three scenes that would make the '80s montage in the movie of my life right now----


1. Corinne sitting on my lap while I'm typing in my blog, in my work clothes, shoes still on, with Steve folding the laundry that I'm going to put away after the blog is written and the dog passed out on the couch behind him....with Anthony Bourdain in Prague on the t.v.....which is all happening right now.


2. All three of us getting ready for work in the morning. Simon and Garfunkel is playing. Or Phantom Planet. Or NPR. I've got a toothbrush in my mouth and a shirt for Steve in my hands, he's changing her and she's kicking her feet. And then someone runs to feed the dog and cat, and let the dog out, and another of us runs to grab everything we need for the day, and the other one realizes that a shirt needs to be ironed, and then another one falls asleep, and then we somberly listen to the world news on NPR as we drive to Grandma's house, and then to work. And then I look at the baby and she's smiling, and then I look out the window at the snow on the branches and look back at her and she's asleep, and I blink and she's already 4 months old. 




3. Coming home from work and running around the house getting food ready, eating, changing the baby, reading to the baby, trying tummy time with the baby, putting away dishes and laundry, writing something on the computer for a moment or two, so that maybe I'll be a famous writer someday, and then playing some more....and then all of the sudden it's bed time. 


And then all of the sudden it's 4 am and somebody...I won't mention any names...wakes up.


And then all of a sudden we're all up.


And then we fall back asleep an hour later.


And then all of a sudden it's a new day.


I guess we'd need an '80s song for this montage. Or early '90s or something. Maybe this?

 

Day 17

He was in the nursery rhyme book I just read my daughter.


And his name is Squirrel Nutkin.


Oh. My. Goodness. 

Day 16


5 things I don't think I'll ever do 
(An anti-bucket list)
(A bucket kicking list before I kick the bucket)
(An "I don't think so, Tim" list)




1. Jump out of an airplane (I really hope I'm not jinxing myself here with this list....)


2. Climb to the Top of Everest (Who even wants to do that, might I ask??? Why and how does that make it on the "bucket list" for people??)


3. Become a vegan. I mean, ideally, YES, I would love that. But I really don't think my love for cheese can ever go away. At most if I really tried I could be an "almost-vegan". Cheese, how I love you so. Even though you do me so wrong.


4. High-five Sawyer from "Lost". Or that guy who plays him. I would actually love to do that, and I'm putting it on this list just in case I've jinxed myself and have become a vegan who jumps out of airplanes and climbs Everest, because I'll need something fun to look forward to if that ever happens.


5. Make a list of four things of anything. I mean, a list of 3 things seems substantial and a list of 5 things seems just fine, adequate, and satisfying, but a list of 4 things is like getting an 89 on a test. You were so close to an A. How annoying. A list of 4 things is just dumb. But that's just my opinion. And who knows...if I've jinxed myself with this list, I'll probably be giving out 4 reasons why I think Mount Everest would be a great vacation spot someday. Ugh I really hope not. 


(OK just one more thing on Mount Everest: why does climbing that thing have to be some metaphor for accomplishment? Can't just getting through a day in our everyday lives be enough? I mean for most people getting through a single day requires more skill than a gladiator would need on the early '90s show "Gladiators", but slightly less skill than a gladiator in an auditorium in Greece would need. Just saying...)

Day 15

An anecdote….a very, very recent anecdote.

SO.

I have a beef with Reeds Jewelers.

Actually, with their Pandora Charm Bracelet line, specifically.

Here’s what happened.

(If I were you I would be curious at this point, because I don’t usually have beefs with others. I try not to, at all costs. I’m very non-confrontational and often make excuses for others when I know I shouldn’t. But with them I have a beef. A really ugly one).

I really wanted a charm bracelet for my birthday.

I went to Reeds to see what Pandora had to offer.

I asked, “If I were to get this bracelet, would charms from other companies fit on this starter bracelet? Like, say, if I were on vacation somewhere and really liked a charm….”

The woman told me that they would fit, but as soon as I put them on my warranty would be nullified, so she wouldn’t recommend it.

This is right after she told me that these charm bracelets are perfect for holding my memories.

Wouldn’t my vacation be a memory?

But that didn’t even REALLY bother me. I mean, I would have still gone forward, I was already coming up with excuses in my mind for this at that point, like, “Oh, well, I’m sure I’ll find pretty Pandora beads” and “Oh, well, I’ll save money then on that vacation by not buying a charm.”

 (Which does not even make sense, because I would want a charm to commemorate that moment in my vacation!)

 Ahh I would make an excuse for a rock if I ran it over with my bicycle and got a concussion. But that excuse would just not make any sense at all because I would be concussed and even more non-sensical than I already tend to be. 

I digress.

So.

The thing that REALLY irked me.

I was so mad my cheeks got red.

My cheeks are getting red now. Because I’m mad just thinking about it. See what memories Pandora is giving me? They’ve really opened up Pandora’s box! Ahahahahaha

OK. So. I asked, “I am curious. Do any of your beads represent any charities, so the profits would go to charity?”

AND SHE SAID, “Well, we do have one for the Susan G. Komen foundation, for Breast Cancer Research. But, I wouldn’t recommend it. We at Pandora recommend only beads that are important for your memories. Some of the profit would go to the foundation in the month of October.”

My blood boiled over so much, I wanted to shake her!

Never shake a saleswoman.

Anyway.

Here is why my blood boiled:

                                       - What if I knew of someone who had breast cancer?

    -What if I had breast cancer?

    - This is their ONLY charm for charity?

-They ONLY give some money to the foundation IN THE MONTH OF OCTOBER? Get it together Reeds.  Seriously.

-   Oaijroeijafljaljfdkajflajsfldjalfj.

-     Lady, stop being such a drone. And the company you work for is the worst. And I try not to think badly of people! But I can’t help but think badly of corporations.

-                 -They’ve lost my business, even though those beads are pretty, I will      admit,they belong to a company that doesn’t want to spend it’s energy toward charity whatsoever…that is ridiculous to me. But that’s just me. And maybe you too. Well I think maybe you, too. That’s why I wanted to commiserate with you. On my blog. 

     

So what I did was:

“Thanks for the information. I have to go now.”

And I went to Kay’s Jewelers.

And I got a very affordable starter charm bracelet.

And the first bead I bought was a charm that benefits St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Because I will do business with a company that takes the time to help out…..even if it’s just a little bit.

And that’s a memory I’m happy to keep.

Day 14:


Stupid Newton's Law.


Or Newman's Law.


Or Murphy's Law - that's the one.


Today is my Birthday!


I lost my phone.


Can't find it anywhere.


So the one day I might get some messages


I can't get them.


Murphy is my nemesis.


This is just like Murphy to have this law


and get me every time with it.


Like on our honeymoon


when we booked a room


but it didn't stick


in the system


and we ended up 


in an 


econo lodge.


Lame.


BUT


at least


(at the very least)


I ate birthday cake three times today


and they decorated my desk


at the office


and I got a card from Steve


that said


he owes me


1 


charm bracelet


and I


got to kiss my baby


and hold her


and play


and so


Murphy


can just


eat my stinkin' shorts.

Day 13


3 things that happened when I went to Wegmans tonight.


1. I saw Captain Jean Luc Picard. I swear I did.
2. I saw what Santa looks like with a brown beard.
3. I found Cadbury Mini Eggs and then I bought them. And I'm going to cook 'em in the microwave for exactly one minute and then I'll have Toasty Roasties. Delicious.

Day 12: 


5 Reasons why I think our laundry is attempting to eat us
(in no particular order)




1. When something or someone is letting his or her intentions known to eat someone else, I think one of the first thing he or she would do would be to bulk up and show the other person who's boss. Right now the pile is probably about as large as Terry the Hulk Hogan or George Foreman before he cut the fat with his grill - and THAT is on a good day.


2. Sometimes when the laundry gets separated into piles, it just looks like the pieces of laundry are trying to divide and conquer and take control of our entire house in attempts to eat us. I try to not feel this way, but then I look around me and there is no room to walk, and then I get my familiar feeling that the laundry is comin' to get us.


3. The clothes actually fight against the washer and dryer trying to get at us. The machines have started convulsing....loudly....when we use them. The laundry has the machines on their side. I repeat, they have the machines on their side. 


4. It will be time to put clothes on and my hands reach for a drawer, open it and I find it is empty. It is empty because there is a laundry basket filled to the brim right next to it with clothes I need to put away. This is psychological warfare against us, score one for the laundry.


5. Once in a while I'll think to myself, "Now, what do I have to do today/tonight/right now/in the near future/at a point when I can physically move again after all of the movement I've been moving with?" And the only answer the clouds up my mind is to eat ice cream.


So I guess that last one shows my willpower to withstand the evil plight of laundry and show my dominion over this horrid laundry war that is being waged with glory and might. 


Because sometimes, even though our laundry is trying to eat us, I just lean up against one of the piles reaching its empty flannel shirted arms near me and I eat another bite of ice cream for a little while.


And then I go back to my battle.


 I still think our laundry is trying to eat us. 


But you can't win 'em all, all the time. 

Day 11


11 Guilty Pleasures I Guiltily Guiltily Have




1. If I am staring at you, I am comparing your face to an animal. Frog? Jaguar? Seal? That is what I am trying to decide. This is a guilty pleasure because it makes me feel guilty and I love it. That is why it is the first thing I thought of, and then wrote down.


2. Taking a bowl, filling it up with ice-cream, and then eating the ice cream. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I'm trying to cut the eating of dairy products down but by jingo ice cream is just not making the cut.


3. If I have ANY spare money, I want to spend it. Mall? Ok. Go out to eat? Yes. Pancakes? Yes. Peanut Butter Pancakes? Why are we still talking and not eating? Buy anything at all in the entire universe? After the pancakes. You get the picture. 


4. Now that I'm a mom, I see how amazing shower time is. I mean - I liked it before....but I LOVE it now. Shower time is my time to shine! Is that too much information?


5. I like it when the hockey people fight. 


6. Saying things like "By Jingo".


7. Wearing Jammies. 


8. Calling my jammies, "Jammies."


9. When my hair has a braid in it, I feel that I am so awesome that I can't help but feel guilty as a result. On my wedding day I had so many braids in my hair, it really exemplified the awesomeness I was feeling.


10. Sitting down staring at someone while figuring out what their animal twin is, as I am eating a bowl of ice cream on top of pancakes, online shopping after a nice hot shower, the t.v. has just turned to hockey and the hockey people start to fight. "By Jingo!," I say as I scratch my knee through my jammies. "These jammies are so great," I also say. My hair is in  a braid. At that time I have so much guilt from all of those guilty pleasures combined--but then at that point I realize I've been daydreaming in the shower again. Because the shower is awesome. 


That's why it is my guilty pleasure. 

Day Ten:


Ohhh, I'm ten percent of the way there....ohhhh, livin' on a ....


anyway.


Hi! 


Today's topic is.....


Superheroes. 


I was thinking about it this morning. Every time you bring up Superheroes, people have something to say.


Talk about cars, maybe people will talk. 


Talk about the weather, half of the people you're talking with might be zoning out and just making up what they are saying to you based on your tone of voice (that's what I do a lot when people talk about the weather. Unless we're talking about snowstorms. Now, that's the stuff!)


Talk about superheroes, and BAM! It's as if you're talking about t.v. shows you watched when you were a kid. That's another hot topic of awesome that everybody has an opinion on. Have you noticed that? You should try it at the next party/get-together/time you are hanging out with more than one person at once. You might be surprised, or mildly amused, that I was right.


Here are five thoughts I have on Superheroes.


1. Wonder woman needs to wear more clothes. She should be called "Almost a Nudist" woman. It would be more appropriate.


2. Superman has the quality everyone wants: To fly. But, I mean, if you had the ability to fly, would you really want to be involved in all that conflict that inherently lies in your duties of being a superhero? I would just want to fly around and look at stuff and be happy because I can fly. I'd just give money to charity and stuff like that instead of being involved with conflict. I avoid conflict at all costs. There are other ways to contribute to the world at large.


3. The Hulk is so green. So, so green. I love that. I wonder if he'd be able to give blood - and if so, what blood type he would be. Hmmmm


4. I really like the X-Men movies. They are fantastic. Especially that last one. I always think I don't want to watch the X-Men movies, then I pop them in, and Bam! I love them. Every time.


5. I don't think a show like Captain Planet would be aired today. I loved Captain Planet, but the main agenda of those superheroes was to demolish the evil deeds of corporations. That's the kind of talk that gets you in trouble, these days. It's a very 1984 world today, you know. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, just know this: Captain Planet was so early '90s, but I love it so.


And those are 5 of my opinions on superheroes. Because, everyone has an opinion about superheroes. Whether you know it or not.