I will admit I've been trying to eat in a leafier manner. I will also admit something else, straight up: I. Love. The Doughnut.
Here are ten reasons why I will defend the doughnut, even if I really do become a health nut.
1. Sometimes I just want to bite into something fluffy, warm, and sweet. Even if I just have one bite I feel like the edge has been taken off even a slightly stressful day. It's like I've been transported to the mountains in those Ricola commercials that come on when you watch the Price is Right - only there is no one playing one of those big horn things - it's just you, those pretty mountains, and a doughnut. And maybe you're wearing lederhozen, I don't know, it's your dream, not mine. In mine I am wearing one of those hats, though, that the Ricola horn-blowing guy has. Those hats are cool.
2. They have cute names, like "Headlights", "Taillights," "Boston Cream", "Red Velvet", "One of those ring ones with the chocolate on top" --ok so that last one I may have made up, but you know the one I'm talking about. It's my favorite and I don't even know the name of it. So I always have to explain it like that. It is so yum in the tum.
3. They have the "cupcake appeal" - when you can just tell yourself you are only having one, or half of one, because, of course, they come in single servings, unlike, say, an entire cake or an entire pie or what have you. This is important because those things you could eat more of if you had in your fridge and didn't have the will power to stop yourself from digging into that thing at 1 am or whatever - the "cupcake appeal" eases one's mind of such dangerous ideas for butts, booties, behinds, or lower backs everywhere.
4. They come in little boxes with dancing doughnuts with stick legs and arms and happy faces on them. Who doesn't like that? Who could resist such genius marketing and friendly doughnut drawing faces? I mean, even if I didn't like to eat them, I would still love them. Those drawings are just the cutest.
5. If you're in highschool and don't know what to do and aren't playing a sport or going to the mall or whatever you're going to do in high school, you can go and grab some coffee with a friend and a doughnut. Doughnuts can prevent crazy parties on Friday nights with teens! Think about it. What nice little sugar treats those things are.
6. If you dip a doughnut in your coffee, and then eat a bite, you might get the shivers of satisfaction. Even if you don't get those, you're enjoying a very nice moment in time. I don't think anyone who likes doughnuts and coffee can really dispute that.
7. If I were a movie star who needed to gain weight, I would start with a doughnut. What a fun little tool for such a specific quandry!
8. If I were a mom in her mid-twenties who needed to gain weight, I'd eat a doughnut. Wait, no...yes. Yes definitely.
9. Sometimes doughnuts can be given as gifts, and then they make the person who got that doughnut gift happy.
10. Sometimes, when you drive through a Dunkin' Donuts, (fleeting thought: Did I continually spell donut incorrectly this entire blog? or is Dunkin' wrong? Can Dunkin' be wrong? If Dunkin' is wrong, who is right?) anyway, sometimes, when you drive through a Dunkin' Donuts, you ask for a donut and they say they are all out of donuts. Then, you say something like, "But - isn't this a donut place?" And the teenager working his 3-6 pm shift responds, "Yes. But we're out." And then you have to go somewhere else because you can't have a donut and you realize you still like donuts because once again, donuts, even donuts that don't exist, are keepin' the kids off the streets. And you bite into a celery stick, because what's the point of eating something tasty if it's not a donut?
Don't worry, donuts. I've got your back. And you, certainly, contribute to mine.